I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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