3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
