One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
