u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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