2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize