she woke up with a sticky ear
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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