Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
