i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
