Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
