Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize