I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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