I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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