so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
