Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
