Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
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