You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Randomize
