I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
