You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
there's paper in my vomit.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
