I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
