Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
