I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
