Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize