so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
We need to get me chipped asap
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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