my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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