I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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