The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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