This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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