why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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