Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
