I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
