ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
