There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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