Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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