my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
