I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
