Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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