my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
