eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
