I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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