Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
