Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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