Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
