I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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