is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
