my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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