i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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