I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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