dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
