i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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