Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
