glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize