I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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