he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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