I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
