Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
