Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
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