I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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