I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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