no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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